Saturday, November 17, 2012

Loneliness

Oh my heart is so sore today. Last night, We were saying goodnight to Norah: waving, smiling, and telling her that we would see her tomorrow, when it happened for the first time. She realized we were leaving, and began to sob. Hard.

We rushed back to her crib (how could we not?!) to tell her how much we love her. Her CNA came over too, so she could help ease the transition of our leaving.

I cried to my mom on the phone, and Jeff and I held onto Harper so tightly when we got home, trying to soothe each other.

I have experienced my share of heartache (and then some), but this one ranked up there. It isn't just about feeling sad for myself. It's about Norah's sadness now. It's about her confusion. It's about her heartache. It's about her wanting her mommy and me not being there for her. I feel like she thinks I'm choosing not to be there. She doesn't understand. All she knows is that we're not there. As unrealistic as I know it is, I have such guilt for not being everywhere at once. I want to snuggle her all day. I want to play and sing and laugh with her... But I can't be there and also give Harper what he needs. Where is the balance? Just when I think I've found it, everything feels shaken up again.

And the twist of the knife in the heart came when I woke in the middle of the night with a sore throat and unhappy sinuses. I can't risk getting her sick, but she let it be known yesterday that her emotional needs are becoming increasingly important. We can't win either way, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
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