Lately

My heart has been a bit heavy lately, which, I suppose is why I haven't been writing much. Sometimes I grow tired of my whining. I really don't want to throw a pity-party for myself. I really am trying to make the best of things. But sometimes it is just so difficult. Sometimes I just can't seem to pull myself up and out of this funk. Jeff, Harper, and Norah help, of course. They help me see and feel that things really will be okay. They remind me to not only look to the future for when we will all be together under one roof - but they remind me that living for today is important, too.

We are getting ready for Harper to start kindergarten in the fall. He didn't go to pre-school. He didn't really go to day care except for those few months when I returned to work from maternity leave then promptly quit my job. We've been getting him ready with "homework", as well as talking to him about what school is like and driving by it a couple times a week. Next week we'll be visiting for "kindergarten round-up". He has some pretty intense social anxieties, but I think he will be fine, so long as we continue to support him.

Norah is so fun lately. She's going through a mama's girl phase (shhh don't tell Jeff). When I reach my hands out for her, she gets the biggest smile on her face, and reaches towards me. Often times, when someone else is holding her, she reaches out for me and begins to cry her sad, silent cry. It's difficult to resist. When I hold her, she loves to wiggle down my lap until she's laying across my legs. It's her new favorite. She also loves to hang her head off my lap like a crazy girl. She is such a toddler, and I am loving every moment of it.

Our visits seem far too short lately. They're very fulfilling, but I always leave in want of more. I see sadness on her face when I leave. Now and then she cries. It breaks me. So I'm doing my best to live for today, but it isn't easy.

Daycare News Story

Below is a link with a video update to the story about Harper's former daycare provider. It's a bit surreal to see this happening to a place that we spent so much time, and to people that we entrusted with our son's care.

http://www.abc4.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoid=91962@ktvx.dayport.com&articleID=91962

The Kind of Thing You Only See on Television...

Have you ever had something incredible happen to you, and think "This kind of thing only happens on TV". Well, that is exactly what we found ourselves thinking today. Jeff went to our day care provider around 12:15ish (just as he does every day before his shift starts), and was informed by one of the directors that the owners skipped town. Apparently, no one had seen them for weeks, they were past due on all of their utilities and rent, and haven't even paid their employees for quite some time. I think some of the mail labeled as "final notice" tipped off the management, so they proceeded to open the mail that had been piling up. They uncovered really bad news. Check out the story at a local news site here.

It was big shock to most, but I can't say I'm surprised. There were so many broken promises, and they seemed to have a hard time retaining employees so started hiring 16 and 17 year olds. some of them were fine... others not so much. They had a tough time covering each "classroom" with enough "teachers", and things were always just so hectic. The owners made some really obvious poor business decisions - and clearly didn't know what they were doing. I'm sure I saw more of the drama there than most parents because I spent an hour there each day while feeding Harper on my lunch break.

Regardless of whatever dramas there have been, this is a difficult situation for the employees and parents. Parents are now scrambling for daycare (and not getting paid due to time off of work), and the poor employees are now looking for jobs. Some of them were so sweet, sticking around to watch some of the children today even though they knew they would not get paid. Getting back our deposit and advance-paid tuition should be quite interesting (we may be looking at a class-action lawsuit).

I am fortunate that my boss has been great about this. She said she didn't want me to worry, and that I could work from home until... well... until this all washes out (more to come on that later). This is good timing though, and I am glad Harper won't have to go in there ever again.

S

Inside My Heart

Today I could tell you about my worries. I could go into emotional detail about how it hasn't gotten easier to part with Harper at day care. I could tell you how it breaks my heart to see him reach for me with confusion as I walk away, leaving him in a room that makes me think of some kind of puppy mill full of crying, lonely pups.

I could tell you all about my work stresses, too. I could tell you how out of my team of twelve, my boss only kept two during our reorganization. That's right - two out of twelve. I would try to find a way to explain my conflicted feelings when I found out that I was one of the two that was kept - while the others are now left to look for jobs in this horrendous economy (fortunately some already have)... I say conflicted because I was the one person that was hoping to receive the option of getting a severance package. I would try to explain how nervous I was to tell my boss that I wanted to trade places with a peer and let her take my place (a.k.a. I knew I was committing career suicide for a career I no longer had the passion for). I could go into detail about the disappointment that came when she told me that if I left, it would be voluntarily and without a severance package. I would try to explain how much I was hoping that my employer of ten years would make this difficult decision for me, though I am now coming to terms with the fact that they will not.

Instead of telling you all of this unpleasant things (which I do realize I gave you a taste of by mentioning them at all), I am going to share something else with you. I wish you could all see inside my heart. You would find something so overwhelming, it would knock you off your feet. You would find this bright, strong light that keeps me going - my incredible son. He is the best of both Jeff and I... and so much more. If you could see inside my heart, you would also see how indescribably blessed I feel to have found my soul mate. During these tough times, he is there by my side - together as a team. What would break other couples only makes us stronger. Our little family of three is just unbelievable. And if you could see inside my heart, you would realize that you were looking inside both Jeff and Harper - because my heart is within both of them.



S

Please don't wake me, no don't shake me...

It was such a long week. I am not a morning person, and have been known to sleep through alarms or even police chases outside my bedroom window (ask Kristen). I'm proud to say that I was great about being on time to work, though I must admit that I was rushed almost every morning to get out of the door. This early shift has worn on me already. Both Jeff and I have been tired as a result of this new routine. Hopefully we'll get used to it.

Thank goodness it is the weekend. I am sad that 1- Saturday is the only day off Jeff and I share, and 2- Harper has to go back to day care on Monday. (Oh and 3- I have to work from home for a couple of hours on Sunday morning - yuck). Thankfully, as seen in these pictures, I was able to visit Harper every day on my lunch break. He got a belly full of milk, cuddles, smiles, and playtime with his mama.

There have been quite a few runny noses in the baby room there, so my poor little guy has a cold now. Though he had one a few weeks ago, this one has a raspy, sad sounding cough to go with the runny nose. I think he's sleeping it off, as he's been taking long daytime naps, which aren't very common for him. Illness exposure is definitely one of the worst parts about daycare.

Each time I pull into that daycare parking lot, I am anxious to know what I'll find when I walk through the doors. Sometimes I'm greeted by frantic screaming, while other times he is completely content, or even in a happy, playful mood. So I know daycare isn't all bad - I just wish it wasn't necessary.

Manic Monday

Yesterday was my first full day back at work, and Harper's first time at day care. While returning to work last week was difficult, leaving Harper with strangers tugged even harder on my heart strings. I'm pretty sure we both spent much of the day lonely for each other

I spent my lunch hour with him when he ate, napped, and cuddled with me. It was so wonderful. I also had the chance to chat with one of the women who work there. I got a much more positive first impression of her than the afternoon caregiver. Hopefully she'll grow on me.

When it came time to pick him up, I walked through the door, and he was screaming in the swing. It just about broke my heart. My mind understands that he gets unhappy like that at home, too... but my heart does not compute logic. I immediately scooped him into my arms, where he settled into those sad short inhalations of breath. My poor little man. The caregiver thought he had painful gas, but really he just wanted his mama. Plus, he had only eaten a little bit of his bottle (I'm sure he was hungry and sleepy), so I gave him the rest before we left. Though he wouldn't take it from the caregiver, he didn't protest except when I took the bottle from his mouth. The entire time he ate, he gazed at me - as if to frantically (but silently) lament, "Mama, where have you been? I needed you".

Surprisingly, the worst part of the experience came when we finally got home and I fed him again. I was holding him close when I noticed something awful - he smelled like someone else. I cried and cried, knowing that I would no longer be there for every tear and every smile. Everyone says it gets easier, but I'm not sure when this sadness will numb.

Really, he was only at day care for about 3 or so hours by himself (since I was there for about an hour). Despite our separation, it took no time at all to reconnect. I fed him a few times (more than I normally would), and gave him some of his yummy baby rice cereal. He loves his cereal. He smiles and grabs for the bowl and spoon while he eats.

So today we have to do this day care yuckiness all over again. I know it is just as hard on Jeff since he's the one that leaves him there each day. At least Harper is only five minutes away, and only there part time. I can't imagine having to leave him there all day. I'm grateful that my wonderful husband was willing to work a later shift to make that happen. He's the best husband, and the best daddy.

S