Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Inside My Heart

Today I could tell you about my worries. I could go into emotional detail about how it hasn't gotten easier to part with Harper at day care. I could tell you how it breaks my heart to see him reach for me with confusion as I walk away, leaving him in a room that makes me think of some kind of puppy mill full of crying, lonely pups.

I could tell you all about my work stresses, too. I could tell you how out of my team of twelve, my boss only kept two during our reorganization. That's right - two out of twelve. I would try to find a way to explain my conflicted feelings when I found out that I was one of the two that was kept - while the others are now left to look for jobs in this horrendous economy (fortunately some already have)... I say conflicted because I was the one person that was hoping to receive the option of getting a severance package. I would try to explain how nervous I was to tell my boss that I wanted to trade places with a peer and let her take my place (a.k.a. I knew I was committing career suicide for a career I no longer had the passion for). I could go into detail about the disappointment that came when she told me that if I left, it would be voluntarily and without a severance package. I would try to explain how much I was hoping that my employer of ten years would make this difficult decision for me, though I am now coming to terms with the fact that they will not.

Instead of telling you all of this unpleasant things (which I do realize I gave you a taste of by mentioning them at all), I am going to share something else with you. I wish you could all see inside my heart. You would find something so overwhelming, it would knock you off your feet. You would find this bright, strong light that keeps me going - my incredible son. He is the best of both Jeff and I... and so much more. If you could see inside my heart, you would also see how indescribably blessed I feel to have found my soul mate. During these tough times, he is there by my side - together as a team. What would break other couples only makes us stronger. Our little family of three is just unbelievable. And if you could see inside my heart, you would realize that you were looking inside both Jeff and Harper - because my heart is within both of them.

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