Five Years and a Scary Start

A couple months after Jeff's surgery in 2007

About five and half years ago, on February 5, 2007, Jeff had his 29th birthday. We had just met, he had just proposed a couple days prior, and on this day... his birthday... he had gone in for total spinal fusion surgery. His third major surgery in about a year (he had just had each of his hips re-done, six months between each surgery). And guess what? I kept a journal at the time, that I just re-found.

I was living in Phoenix at the time, while Jeff lived in Salt Lake City. His surgery was at the University of Utah hospital (where Norah was later born). That day was really difficult. I thought I'd be able to handle it while living a state away. I had no idea what we were in for. I received updates from his sister Emily, who I loved immediately upon meeting a couple months prior. Emily, this is what I wrote about you back then, when we hardly knew each other: "Today Emily and I cried on the phone together. She said that her mom was so strong, but that she's a big baby. I told her that we'd be big babies together."

The surgery took pretty much all day, and she was great about giving me updates. I wrote in the journal to Jeff on his birthday, "I had a rough time today. It was so hard not being there for you, and I wish that I had planned ahead." It was too difficult to be away from him. He was taken to the ICU post-op, and was there for a few days. He called me, but his voice was so scratchy from being intubated. It was too much to bear, so I booked a flight for February 8th. It was a good thing too, because in the wee hours of that morning, after he had been moved to the floor, he coded from a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot dislodged in his lungs). After being stabilized, he was returned to the ICU. While on the longest flight of my life, I wrote, "When you didn't answer this morning, I had a feeling that something was wrong. You just have to wait a little while longer, and I'll be there by your side to help you feel better... please don't leave me."

Jeff has a big family of ten. I should have been nervous to meet most of them, but things were so crazy that I wasn't nervous at all; I didn't have the capacity for it. I will always remember meeting his mom, Carol, for the first time. I stepped into Jeff's ICU room, where her deft hands were busying themselves with a crochet project. She looked up, and without a single word passing between us, we hugged. It wasn't a regular sort of hug, either. It was a clinging-to-hope-and-each-other sort of hug. It was perfect. We cried while holding one another, which woke my sleeping prince. On that day, a miracle happened, and Jeff smiled at me through his huge hockey mask. I remember being so grateful to the machines keeping him alive.

I went on throughout the journal, writing to him about why he needed to live. We had our life ahead in Seattle. We still needed to have our perfect wedding on the beach. We were going to have babies together. A doctor told us that we were lucky. They saw about a 50% mortality rate from pulmonary embolisms, and there was no obvious factor that showed who lived and who died.

My/our boss let me work out of the SLC office for a week. I would go to work, stay the night in a horrid green recliner at the hospital, then repeat. I was given gracious offers to stay with various people, but I didn't travel all that way to be with them. I was there to be with my sweetheart.

Jeff was in the hospital for a month. It was a long month. We were all surprised that he had to be there so long. Little did we know how much time we would spend just next door, at Primary Children's PICU. And little did I know how intimate I would become with medical equipment, similar to that wich kept Jeff alive. Equipment just like that which keeps Norah alive.


We are so thankful for everything we have. Jeff and Norah are the strongest people I know. I always say, that Jeff has more reason to complain than anyone, yet he never does. We can now add Norah to that statement, too. I love our sweet family. I wouldn't have wanted to have babies with anyone but Jeff. Our fifth anniversary is right around the corner, and as uniquely difficult as our life may be, it is filled with such love and joy that I never could have imagined.

September 22, 2007: Our perfect day at the beach.

It finally happened!

I first walked through the doors of Airtouch Cellular, now Verizon Wireless, ten years ago. I was young, cute, naive, bold, and oh so peppy. I'm sure those of you that knew me then would agree. I hadn't planned to make a career out of working there, but that is essentially what happened. I also didn't expect that I'd ever want to be a stay-at-home mom. As I have written about before - they say everything changes when you have a baby. I just didn't expect my heart to change so much, too.

Well, it finally happened... my last day at work was Friday! Jeff and I decided that I should become a stay-at-home mom, and am so excited. Walking through those doors for the last time on Friday gave me such a thrill; the entire experience has been quite surreal. I think back to who and how I was ten years ago, and so much has changed. I feel like I grew up at that job. I look forward to focusing on Harper, Jeff, and myself. I look forward to exploring the things that I never had time for, and to get back into the things that I used to enjoy like painting, writing, and taking better care of myself. Becoming a stay-at-home mom is one heck of a mother's day gift!

On the topic of Mother's day, I had a great one. Jeff and I had an amazing day together. The three of us went for a walk at the nearby park, made some home made iced tea when we got home (YUM), and just puttzed around. We were neither lazy nor productive - we were leisurely. Now if only we can figure out how to achieve a situation where neither of us has to go to an office to work, things would be perfect.

And for the record - my first couple of days at home have been wonderful!

Inside My Heart

Today I could tell you about my worries. I could go into emotional detail about how it hasn't gotten easier to part with Harper at day care. I could tell you how it breaks my heart to see him reach for me with confusion as I walk away, leaving him in a room that makes me think of some kind of puppy mill full of crying, lonely pups.

I could tell you all about my work stresses, too. I could tell you how out of my team of twelve, my boss only kept two during our reorganization. That's right - two out of twelve. I would try to find a way to explain my conflicted feelings when I found out that I was one of the two that was kept - while the others are now left to look for jobs in this horrendous economy (fortunately some already have)... I say conflicted because I was the one person that was hoping to receive the option of getting a severance package. I would try to explain how nervous I was to tell my boss that I wanted to trade places with a peer and let her take my place (a.k.a. I knew I was committing career suicide for a career I no longer had the passion for). I could go into detail about the disappointment that came when she told me that if I left, it would be voluntarily and without a severance package. I would try to explain how much I was hoping that my employer of ten years would make this difficult decision for me, though I am now coming to terms with the fact that they will not.

Instead of telling you all of this unpleasant things (which I do realize I gave you a taste of by mentioning them at all), I am going to share something else with you. I wish you could all see inside my heart. You would find something so overwhelming, it would knock you off your feet. You would find this bright, strong light that keeps me going - my incredible son. He is the best of both Jeff and I... and so much more. If you could see inside my heart, you would also see how indescribably blessed I feel to have found my soul mate. During these tough times, he is there by my side - together as a team. What would break other couples only makes us stronger. Our little family of three is just unbelievable. And if you could see inside my heart, you would realize that you were looking inside both Jeff and Harper - because my heart is within both of them.



S

Growing up

Days of late have been overwhelming. The demands of life are both exhausting and rewarding. When I look at Harper, I realize that he is growing faster than I imagined he would. I look at his happy face and see a big boy... I wonder where my little teeny baby went. Though I want to freeze this time forever, I can hardly wait for each milestone. Being part of his life, doing more than just watching him grow up, is more than I could ever ask for. In the blink of an eye, he's going to be a teenager, then an adult.

The introduction of solid foods has been a blast. It's fun watching him explore different textures and tastes. We've been making him wholesome, organic, homemade food. It is so much work, but definitely worth it. It seems that his favorites so far have been sweet potatoes and butternut squash. He doesn't make too much of a mess just yet, but I'm sure that will change once we start letting him feed himself.

Now that I've been back to work for a couple of months, things are staring to get busier at the office. Also, I'm starting my fifth week of a nine-week class at school. I wish I could say that I've learned something new, but I haven't yet. It's been mostly busy-work so far, which is a shame since I enrolled with the obvious intent of achieving an education. I have probably blogged about this before, but I am ever-acutely aware that the things that take me away from time with my family need to be immensely meaningful. I wish I could say that was the case right now, but it unfortunately is not. I am sure that it will be someday. For now, we're grateful for what we have - which is so much.


S

C-Day

"I'm not going to lie to you.... it's awful!" I'm not sure how many times I heard that from other moms when I talked about my impending return to work. Today was the day. D-day, if you will. Or, C-day for all the crying.

The alarm clock began its NPR chatter too soon at 430. By that time, I had already brought my Bubba in bed to feed him since he had woken up at about 3. He probably just wanted his binky, but part of me wanted to imagine that he sensed we'd be apart today. When the second alarm went off at 530, it was obvious he didn't want me (breakfast) to go. I reluctantly did a switcheroo and gave him his binky. After a tearful and quiet kiss goodbye to my two men, I was on my way. We won't talk about the fact that I had to run back to get my badge for work. /Bonk self on head!

After four desk changes, I finally tracked down my permanent new desk. Hello, anonymity! It was great to see the people that I do know in SLC, but for the most part I'm not familiar with those that work in my area. We'll see how long that lasts. The peace and quiet is kind of nice. I'm so grateful that there is a nearby "Wellness Room" for me to pump in. It has a locking door, comfy chair, dim lights, a refrigerator, and sink with dish soap. Most of my tears came during those quiet, lonely pumping sessions, when all I could think of was how I longed for my little baby.

I really wish I could work part time. I feel more comfortable leaving him with Jeff than anyone else. Hopefully this arrangement won't last too long. Around 8am, I was missing Harper and our fun morning time (my favorite part of day), so Jeff sent me the below picture. Though it brought on some tears, it also warmed my heart to know that he was laughing and smiling. Yes, that is a laugh, not a cry. :) He really is the happiest baby.

S

One More Day

Today is my last day as a stay-at-home mom (and Harper's 5-month birthday). This morning, Jeff and I attempted a "trial run" of what we'll be going through each day to get ourselves, Harper, and the dogs ready each day. In order to be at work by 7am each day, I'll have to leave at about 6. This means I'll have to get up at about 430 every morning to make sure Harper has enough time for breakfast (his slowest feeding) while still giving myself time to get ready too. Our trial didn't go so well this morning since we didn't get to sleep until a bit after midnight. We spent most of the time in bed looking for the snooze button. I'm sure we'll find our groove; it will just take awhile to get into the swing of things.

I'll never forget this time I've shared with Harper, and will never take our precious shared moments for granted. The road ahead will be emotionally and physically challenging. Fortunately, I have the best inspiration I could ever ask for - my happy, loving, goofy, adorable, baby boy.

One More Week

Harper seems to revel in lazy couch potato mode. He's lounging in my arms in this picture (Dottie is snoozing in the background). He enjoys kicking back to watch TV, and I can't say that I mind joining him. When he's lounging on his own, it gives me a rare but welcome opportunity to be hands free.

So, I return to work in one week. I'll work the first Wed - Fri as half days, then will go back full time the following week. I'm filled with a kind of anxiety that I haven't experienced before. I won't go into lengthy, expressive detail... but I will say that it is no bueno. :( I am indeed fortunate that I've had off this much time. Many new mothers go back to work after six weeks, while Harper will be five months old. Of course it could be argued that many societies provide mamas with a much more substantial amount of time off of work, while others allow mama to take baby to the workplace.

For now, I'm cherishing every precious moment of this last week of non-stop Harper-time.